I can't remember when I wasn't tired, when it first started, or when I truly knew something was wrong. I feel like all these symptoms have roots farther back then I could comprehend. I've dealt with them as normal for so long, that it's hard to tell when that 'nerve switch' in my brain truly broke. However, I can tell you my doctors experiences.
I've had anxiety issues since I was a child, migraines starting around the time I was 10, and panic attacks starting when I was about 14. These can be triggered by environmental cause or normal stresses. Looking back at my symptoms and I would like to say my Fibro probably began around the time I was 18 or 19. I lived a stressful life style from early High school, thru my mid twenties, working or studying in Technical Theatre. It's show business, and I was often calling the shots... curtain up, lights go. When I was in school my day normally started at 6 am and ended between midnight and 1 am about 6 days a week (college was better! I didn't get up till 8 or 9 and went to bed around 2 am!) Between school, studying, and working on productions, I filled every minute of my days. By the time I entered the work force I was already feeling the drain, but would push thru. Working as hard as I did, it was so easy to explain way the pain, the memory problems, stress, and tiredness. Of course you're tired when you worked 90 hours this week and haven't had a day off in three weeks.
It took me a long time to admit something was wrong, and when I finally did, I had the answer of what was wrong. My Father has a debilitating form of arthritis, that affects the majority of his joints and was diagnosed in his early twenties, I was sure I had inherited this family legacy. When I finally walked into a rheumatologist, I presented the information that knew was relevant. The additional anxiety and sleeplessness was normal for in my line of work, or so I thought. The doctors began treatments on arthritis, which seemed to fail miserably, by which time I started adding daily medications for migraine preventatives, anti anxiety meds, and anti depressants, as I finally had enough with multiple panic attacks a day.
Theses trials were miserable. With in a matter of month I went from 116 lbs to 160 lb. I finally gave up on the meds and as I was having terrible reactions to some of them and nothing seemed to be working. I saw what the medications had done to my father over the years, and the detriment seemed to out weigh the good, in this case. It seemed hopeless and I quit seeing the multiple doctors, stopped taking every medication. I gave up.
With my work performance suffering, as I could barely drag myself from bed every day and no one there was willing to support me thru my struggles, a change of career was forced upon me.
I left the career that I loved, but I realized I needed a complete change and took a much simpler job, with much lower stress. I found wonderful people to work with too.
I still believed arthritis was the cause. And for years I continued struggling to manage my every day life and believing I just needed to push thru because there was nothing I could do.
I married my amazing husband this year. And the word amazing truly doesn't begin to describe how wonderful this man is or how lucky I am!
Before we were married, a relocation made me a 'homemaker', as we are in the middle of no where (yay Air Force). So I'm as stress free and happy as I've ever been. Thing should have been better right? Not quite.
My husband finally convinced me to seek help this summer, as daily chores were often impossibly hard, naps were often a requirement, sleep was illusive at best, my memory was terrible, and the pain still haunts my every second of being. Not only that but he insisted on going with me.
I asked my doctor for a referral to a rheumatologist, and ended up with a referral to an internal medicine specialist.
When went I gave my history and diagnosis as fully as I possibly could. The doctor just began to shake his head. And followed that with 'I don't think you have arthritis'. He probably caught the skeptical look from me to hubby, because I was sure he was a quack. He asked me if I knew what fibromyalgia was. I had heard of it, but didn't know much at all. He had me get up on the table and do the pressure point test.
Now some of the points make me want to jump off the table. But mainly they are just really uncomfortable to the touch. Now if other doctors had done that before I may not have said that uncomfortable pain causes by the touch hurt, because I thought that was normal, 'everyone hurts when you poke them'. I thought in order for it to be 'hurt' it had to be terrible pain. I'm wiser now.
I left the doctors office in slight disbelief. The doctor had been very knowledgable and he had ordered a full scale of tests and an X-ray. He bid me go home a research fibromyalgia.
I got home and later that night typed fibromyalgia in to my google search and started pursing reputable sites for information.
As I searched symptoms and others experiences crossed my path for the first time, it was revelation for me. The 'Fibro fog' reading that, understanding, 'that's me!! That's exactly what happens!'. The types of pain. The stress and migraines. The ice cold but sweaty hand that my husband laughs at all the time! Everything fell 'snap' into place. It was almost a relief to know.
After we sorted thru the tests the doctor said something that truly surprised me. We had agreed that Fibro was the culprit and while I was relieved to have answers finally at tips of my fingers, he said 'I know it's not what you wanted to hear, there isn't much worse in the world than this.'
A life time of pain, and inability to live each day to fullest. I was already prepared for that. But it's still crushing and inevitable.
I have the diagnosis and this time I'm sure it's right. I can work to improve what I can everyday. It will never be cured, but I have a wonderful husband, who he tries to understand and he supports me to take care of myself. That is more than I could have asked for.
The diagnosis sucks, but still count myself very lucky to be alive and living a great life.
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