I don't know what everyone else's pain is like, but I'm going to try to describe mine. There is a constant persistent ache, which radiates mainly from point of use, like joints, or muscles that have been frequently used or not used enough. It's hard to describe. It somewhere between a dull burn and the feeling of a bruise which you are constantly pushing on, most of the time, but it can become a sharp and intense. Squeezing my hand in a ball and trying to open it is similar to straining several muscles and trying to move them. Sitting on the floor and trying to stand up after... That's one of the worst for me. It's like my leg have simultaneously fallen asleep and having the muscle strain of running several miles. Accompanied by pins and needles but on incredibly sore muscles.
These feelings never goes away. Never.
Probably the worst part of the pain is knowing that it will always be there. It's so frustrating to lie in bed and want so desperately for there just to be a few moments relief. But it will never go away and the crushing knowledge of that, is at times, overwhelming.
And then comes the tiredness. The sudden smack in the face of brick wall, in which everything goes fuzzy. It's like a snickers commercial but the only remedy is sleep, which is sporadic at best. The 'fibro fog' as its usually referred to. Easiest way to describe it is looking directly at my husband while he's talking, and I see his lips moving, I hear words, but I can't process any of it. When I finally slow him down from what might as well be chipmunk speed, to slow motion, and manage to hear the question, it's obvious that the conversation has become pointless. Whatever the question is I can't remember. What did I have for lunch? Well I don't remember. I can rack my brain and figure it out... Or best option: before I throw a toddler size tantrum, give myself a nap time. I swear it's a regression in to the 'terrible twos' every time that happens. Just like an overtired little one, I'm done. Overstimulated and about to burst with anxiety.
The tiredness also affect every motion I take in the day. I know how much energy it's going to take to bend over and pick up the object that has fallen. I know what muscles will hurt and how much it will drain me. Is it worth adding all those little things on to the pile off things I have to do today? I need to go get groceries today... Will I have the energy or strength to carry them in the house if I bother to pick up every dog toy strew thru the house, or is my energy better spent accomplishing the important tasks today. I truly feel like I'm a video game character with a health bar that goes down with every action and I have to carefully use each section of the bar before in order to reach the end of my day.
I'm starting this blog because I need to know I'm not the only one, and to help those around me understand what I'm going thru. So please feel free to comment.
